For background: my ex-boyfriend worked as a Party Motivator for corporate gigs and bar mitzvahs. The police hired him regularly as an expert consultant. He told me about a few of his recent cases: one where he recovered some compromising letters for a copper heiress, and another where a man killed his Indian manservant in a rage. It turns out freelance homicide detective actually is a job, and he’s super good at it. After that, I started to have a really good time. I tried to keep a straight face, but he must have noticed something, because he said, “I detect…that you want to leave.” I laughed. He told me he was a freelance homicide detective. He’s my roommate.” (So you lied about your age and you have a roommate? Jackpot.) I decided to just get the date over with, so I knuckled down, took a gulp of my drink and asked him what he did for work. So right away I’m like, sorry, not my thing. First of all, it was obvious he’d used old pics. I decided he was at least worth meeting in person. But his apartment was full of books and had a working fireplace. He was wearing a hat that was definitely a “choice”, which gave me pause, and I wondered what kind of a name Holmes was. The first guy I swiped right on was this cute, academic-looking 32-year-old in a tweed blazer. I swiped left on the first couple of guys I saw: a guy with a crazy long beard, and another whose pictures were all of him rock climbing. With the hard part over, I couldn’t believe how easy it all was. So one night, they came over to my place, got bombed on Franzia and made me a profile. You see, Tia and Steph had been riding me about getting back out there ever since I broke up with Rob, but the idea of condensing myself into a couple of pictures and a two-line bio felt gross and overwhelming. This strange interlude began, if I’m not mistaken, on an inclement winter’s night, when my friends started bugging me to get on Smush. There is, however, one episode so remarkable in its particulars that it bears special mention. The Adventure of the Mistaken Right Swipe When I glance over the pages I’ve devoted to my adventures in the dating world, I’m faced with so many strange and peculiar incidents that it is difficult to select one as the most unusual. Published by Penguin Random House, March 2022
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